Her nights were spent that summer
on a sticky factory floor;
for the first time
her jeans were too tight and sometimes
desperation hung in the lanks
of her hair like coming thunderstorms
on a sulky afternoon.
Her daydreams rubbed at reality
like grains of sand
between the burnt edges
of her shoulderblades,
a glittery tenderness
taunting the horizon like
rain over the Pacific
or the sweat
that beads on the skin of all
the lovers she might have had;
mixed heavily in her gut
with the leftover yawn
of tequila’s acid and tomorrow’s
mistakes it burnt
all the way
down.
the tenth muse 
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I love this,
you have applied color, adjective, and many other fabulous words to carry your meanings,
well done.
love the imagery.
Thanks for the participation,
Happy Rally.
🙂
😦 I like the writing, the story is sad though.
http://lynnaima.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/living-in-the-shadows-of-blackness/
all the lovers she could have had.
lines like those always make me die a bit inside…well, not really. but this is a really nice piece. it leaves people thinking and reading through it a couple of time over.
good job =]
-kyogakura
oh great entry, the only that i found ambiguous was the factory floor, why a factory?
I love your ability to create magical similies in this piece!! my fave one:
“Her daydreams rubbed at reality
like grains of sand
between the burnt edges
of her shoulderblades”
Amazing.
Here’s my post for week 31
http://missbrittab.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/come-to-hell-with-me/
lovely write.
why a factory floor? I didn’t follow that part, otherwise the read was a fabulous one! 🙂
My Rally Entry is here:
http://leonnyes.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/nine-hundred/
Jingle, thanks for all your comments and support, as always 🙂
kyoichi, that makes me sad. i’m glad my lines didn’t really cause you to die a little! yikes. thanks for stopping by.
lynnaima, yes, the story does have a sadness to it tho for me it’s more bittersweet, a nostalgic wistfulness, maybe. appreciate your thoughts.
missbrittab, wow there are a lot of similes in this, now you mention it. thanks for your compliments!
unremarkable– glad you dropped by! 🙂
luis, Leo: hmm. the factory floor is there because.. this piece started out as very autobiographic (tho it became less so in the re-writes), with the original title “the summer when she was twenty”; and where i was that summer was indeed working the night shift in a Kool-aid factory. 🙂 much of the “factual” element got cut out in this version, but i left those lines because i felt they set the stage and at the same time provided a stark contrast from the imagery of the rest.
wow, that was a long response.
peace,
jsl
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This is absolutely beautiful. Definitely my type of poetry and I do not say that lightly. I love it.
Wow… “rubbed at reality like grains of sand” really resonated with me. I’m going to aspire to write like that from now on… what a great treat! ^_^
All the lovers she could have had.
Ouch.
I swear I could feel the moments painted here. Sensory overload. 🙂
Darkly:
http://sugaryichigo.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/darkly/
The subtle sarcasm, the natural friction between the elements, the essence of wet — wishing itself more wild…all these things you have captured in the prodigal heartburn’s return. Distance and disparity mingling amongst
relinquished reflections of the author — this is what I see here. I give you an “A” 🙂 Good work!
P.S. I can easily relate to this, having spent many an hour daydreaming away on a factory floor, staring at factory walls, wantonly gazing through a fistful of light to the countryside and beyond.
I have no words. Beautiful.
Beautifully descriptive.
JP
Hikkii-chan, likewine, your words make me blush. thank you so much for coming by. you’re welcome back anytime.
Alakaline– likewise 🙂
yuuki-chan– “painted moments” is probably the best description i’ve heard. thanks.
Uncle Tree, as always, your comment has nearly as much thought-provoking language as the poem itself. 😉 glad you can relate.
ciao
jsl
Thanks for your feedback on my rally entry. I read my work regularly, and sometimes with musician friends playing along–more background than accompaniment. I think I may try that with “You’d Dance Too.”
Your piece is excellent! I like how the line breaks don’t necessarily match the phrasing; it gets a couple of different rhythms going, both of which work well. Great imagery, too. Kudos!
That is a wonderful poem, regret, memories and some great images…
A sad yet beautiful scenes unfolded as I read your words.. Choked with emotions.. Glad I have you as 14th on my list for checking out.. *Hug*
julie, thanks likewise for your feedback. i like to play with my linebreaks 🙂
Jams, JP– appreciate you dropping by, and your kind words.
Krislin, glad i made your list as well, and that you found some resonance in this piece. hugs back atcha!
cheers all,
jsl
A touching and compassionate portrait. Well written. Thanks for this. – bill
I love how this poem slowly revealed a solid picture. I enjoyed the little details like the sand on the burnt shoulder blades. It somehow allows the reader to zoom in and create that picture in our heads.
Wow, tis is good.
You conjured up some very powerful images in this poem
thought provoking. i loved each and every line of this. i think i understand exactly what you were trying to convey…
Bill, Arts– appreciate your thoughts as always.
October, thanks. i nearly always try to paint a picture with words; glad that’s how it resonated.
belladonna (beautiful name!)– conveyance is always in the eye of the reader. thanks. 🙂
peace,
jsl
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http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/11/03/thursday-poets-rally-week-32-november-4-10/
how r u?
Letting you know Poets Rally week 32 is on,
Drop me your entry if you wish to be part of it.
Thanks a lot,
Happy November!
xxx
thanks for thinking of me, Jingle; appreciate it. Probably won’t get anything posted until Monday, so I’ll have to catch your wonderful Rally next time around….
Hugs,
JSL
beautifully done… I held my breath the 1st time I read it… not realizing that I was… it made it more profound… and claustrophobic… closing in like her jeans.
Drew, so glad you stopped by & thanks for sharing your feelings on this piece. Feel free to come back again any time. 🙂
JSL
beautiful, touching and well written poem. so many dreams die in the fire of hunger.
thanks, trisha. your response is nearly as poetic as the piece itself. 🙂
jsl
Joanna, just a lovely and probing account of the moment.
thanks, shane; nice of you to drop by. always a pleasure.
cheers,
jsl