rain over the Pacific (redact #1)

Her nights were spent that summer
on a sticky factory floor;
for the first time
her jeans were too tight and sometimes
desperation hung in the lanks
of her hair like coming thunderstorms
on a sulky afternoon.
Her daydreams rubbed at reality
like grains of sand
between the burnt edges
of her shoulderblades,
a glittery tenderness
taunting the horizon like
rain over the Pacific
or the sweat
that beads on the skin of all
the lovers she might have had;
mixed heavily in her gut
with the leftover yawn
of tequila’s acid and tomorrow’s
mistakes it burnt
all the way
down.

37 thoughts on “rain over the Pacific (redact #1)

  1. Pingback: Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 (October 21-27) | Jingle

  2. Pingback: Agreement 4 Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

  3. all the lovers she could have had.

    lines like those always make me die a bit inside…well, not really. but this is a really nice piece. it leaves people thinking and reading through it a couple of time over.

    good job =]

    -kyogakura

  4. Jingle, thanks for all your comments and support, as always 🙂

    kyoichi, that makes me sad. i’m glad my lines didn’t really cause you to die a little! yikes. thanks for stopping by.

    lynnaima, yes, the story does have a sadness to it tho for me it’s more bittersweet, a nostalgic wistfulness, maybe. appreciate your thoughts.

    missbrittab, wow there are a lot of similes in this, now you mention it. thanks for your compliments!

    unremarkable– glad you dropped by! 🙂

    luis, Leo: hmm. the factory floor is there because.. this piece started out as very autobiographic (tho it became less so in the re-writes), with the original title “the summer when she was twenty”; and where i was that summer was indeed working the night shift in a Kool-aid factory. 🙂 much of the “factual” element got cut out in this version, but i left those lines because i felt they set the stage and at the same time provided a stark contrast from the imagery of the rest.

    wow, that was a long response.

    peace,
    jsl

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  6. The subtle sarcasm, the natural friction between the elements, the essence of wet — wishing itself more wild…all these things you have captured in the prodigal heartburn’s return. Distance and disparity mingling amongst
    relinquished reflections of the author — this is what I see here. I give you an “A” 🙂 Good work!

    P.S. I can easily relate to this, having spent many an hour daydreaming away on a factory floor, staring at factory walls, wantonly gazing through a fistful of light to the countryside and beyond.

  7. Hikkii-chan, likewine, your words make me blush. thank you so much for coming by. you’re welcome back anytime.

    Alakaline– likewise 🙂

    yuuki-chan– “painted moments” is probably the best description i’ve heard. thanks.

    Uncle Tree, as always, your comment has nearly as much thought-provoking language as the poem itself. 😉 glad you can relate.

    ciao
    jsl

  8. Thanks for your feedback on my rally entry. I read my work regularly, and sometimes with musician friends playing along–more background than accompaniment. I think I may try that with “You’d Dance Too.”

    Your piece is excellent! I like how the line breaks don’t necessarily match the phrasing; it gets a couple of different rhythms going, both of which work well. Great imagery, too. Kudos!

  9. julie, thanks likewise for your feedback. i like to play with my linebreaks 🙂
    Jams, JP– appreciate you dropping by, and your kind words.
    Krislin, glad i made your list as well, and that you found some resonance in this piece. hugs back atcha!

    cheers all,
    jsl

  10. I love how this poem slowly revealed a solid picture. I enjoyed the little details like the sand on the burnt shoulder blades. It somehow allows the reader to zoom in and create that picture in our heads.

  11. Bill, Arts– appreciate your thoughts as always.

    October, thanks. i nearly always try to paint a picture with words; glad that’s how it resonated.

    belladonna (beautiful name!)– conveyance is always in the eye of the reader. thanks. 🙂

    peace,
    jsl

  12. Pingback: So Many New Poetry Flavors, Come To Try Them All | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

    • thanks for thinking of me, Jingle; appreciate it. Probably won’t get anything posted until Monday, so I’ll have to catch your wonderful Rally next time around….

      Hugs,
      JSL

  13. beautifully done… I held my breath the 1st time I read it… not realizing that I was… it made it more profound… and claustrophobic… closing in like her jeans.

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