because while some truths lend themselves to equations, others are best described in verse

rain over the Pacific (redact #1)

Her nights were spent that summer
on a sticky factory floor;
for the first time
her jeans were too tight and sometimes
desperation hung in the lanks
of her hair like coming thunderstorms
on a sulky afternoon.
Her daydreams rubbed at reality
like grains of sand
between the burnt edges
of her shoulderblades,
a glittery tenderness
taunting the horizon like
rain over the Pacific
or the sweat
that beads on the skin of all
the lovers she might have had;
mixed heavily in her gut
with the leftover yawn
of tequila’s acid and tomorrow’s
mistakes it burnt
all the way
down.

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37 responses

  1. Pingback: Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 (October 21-27) | Jingle

  2. Pingback: Agreement 4 Thursday Poets Rally Week 31 | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

  3. I love this,
    you have applied color, adjective, and many other fabulous words to carry your meanings,
    well done.
    love the imagery.

    October 22, 2010 at 8:20 pm

  4. Thanks for the participation,
    Happy Rally.
    🙂

    October 22, 2010 at 8:20 pm

  5. 😦 I like the writing, the story is sad though.

    http://lynnaima.wordpress.com/2010/09/26/living-in-the-shadows-of-blackness/

    October 22, 2010 at 9:43 pm

  6. kyoichi

    all the lovers she could have had.

    lines like those always make me die a bit inside…well, not really. but this is a really nice piece. it leaves people thinking and reading through it a couple of time over.

    good job =]

    -kyogakura

    October 22, 2010 at 11:01 pm

  7. oh great entry, the only that i found ambiguous was the factory floor, why a factory?

    October 23, 2010 at 1:32 am

  8. missbrittab

    I love your ability to create magical similies in this piece!! my fave one:

    “Her daydreams rubbed at reality
    like grains of sand
    between the burnt edges
    of her shoulderblades”

    Amazing.

    Here’s my post for week 31
    http://missbrittab.wordpress.com/2010/10/20/come-to-hell-with-me/

    October 23, 2010 at 2:06 am

  9. lovely write.

    October 23, 2010 at 2:44 am

  10. why a factory floor? I didn’t follow that part, otherwise the read was a fabulous one! 🙂

    My Rally Entry is here:
    http://leonnyes.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/nine-hundred/

    October 23, 2010 at 6:33 am

  11. Jingle, thanks for all your comments and support, as always 🙂

    kyoichi, that makes me sad. i’m glad my lines didn’t really cause you to die a little! yikes. thanks for stopping by.

    lynnaima, yes, the story does have a sadness to it tho for me it’s more bittersweet, a nostalgic wistfulness, maybe. appreciate your thoughts.

    missbrittab, wow there are a lot of similes in this, now you mention it. thanks for your compliments!

    unremarkable– glad you dropped by! 🙂

    luis, Leo: hmm. the factory floor is there because.. this piece started out as very autobiographic (tho it became less so in the re-writes), with the original title “the summer when she was twenty”; and where i was that summer was indeed working the night shift in a Kool-aid factory. 🙂 much of the “factual” element got cut out in this version, but i left those lines because i felt they set the stage and at the same time provided a stark contrast from the imagery of the rest.

    wow, that was a long response.

    peace,
    jsl

    October 23, 2010 at 12:48 pm

  12. Pingback: Tweets that mention rain over the Pacific (redact #1) « the tenth muse -- Topsy.com

  13. likewine

    This is absolutely beautiful. Definitely my type of poetry and I do not say that lightly. I love it.

    October 23, 2010 at 9:21 pm

  14. Wow… “rubbed at reality like grains of sand” really resonated with me. I’m going to aspire to write like that from now on… what a great treat! ^_^

    October 23, 2010 at 10:29 pm

  15. All the lovers she could have had.

    Ouch.
    I swear I could feel the moments painted here. Sensory overload. 🙂

    Darkly:
    http://sugaryichigo.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/darkly/

    October 24, 2010 at 2:22 am

  16. The subtle sarcasm, the natural friction between the elements, the essence of wet — wishing itself more wild…all these things you have captured in the prodigal heartburn’s return. Distance and disparity mingling amongst
    relinquished reflections of the author — this is what I see here. I give you an “A” 🙂 Good work!

    P.S. I can easily relate to this, having spent many an hour daydreaming away on a factory floor, staring at factory walls, wantonly gazing through a fistful of light to the countryside and beyond.

    October 24, 2010 at 6:58 am

  17. I have no words. Beautiful.

    October 24, 2010 at 8:09 am

  18. Beautifully descriptive.

    JP

    October 24, 2010 at 10:52 am

  19. Hikkii-chan, likewine, your words make me blush. thank you so much for coming by. you’re welcome back anytime.

    Alakaline– likewise 🙂

    yuuki-chan– “painted moments” is probably the best description i’ve heard. thanks.

    Uncle Tree, as always, your comment has nearly as much thought-provoking language as the poem itself. 😉 glad you can relate.

    ciao
    jsl

    October 24, 2010 at 10:53 am

  20. Thanks for your feedback on my rally entry. I read my work regularly, and sometimes with musician friends playing along–more background than accompaniment. I think I may try that with “You’d Dance Too.”

    Your piece is excellent! I like how the line breaks don’t necessarily match the phrasing; it gets a couple of different rhythms going, both of which work well. Great imagery, too. Kudos!

    October 24, 2010 at 7:35 pm

  21. Kick Out The Jams

    That is a wonderful poem, regret, memories and some great images…

    October 25, 2010 at 6:58 pm

  22. A sad yet beautiful scenes unfolded as I read your words.. Choked with emotions.. Glad I have you as 14th on my list for checking out.. *Hug*

    October 25, 2010 at 10:37 pm

  23. julie, thanks likewise for your feedback. i like to play with my linebreaks 🙂
    Jams, JP– appreciate you dropping by, and your kind words.
    Krislin, glad i made your list as well, and that you found some resonance in this piece. hugs back atcha!

    cheers all,
    jsl

    October 26, 2010 at 9:53 am

  24. A touching and compassionate portrait. Well written. Thanks for this. – bill

    October 26, 2010 at 9:22 pm

  25. I love how this poem slowly revealed a solid picture. I enjoyed the little details like the sand on the burnt shoulder blades. It somehow allows the reader to zoom in and create that picture in our heads.

    October 29, 2010 at 3:31 am

  26. Wow, tis is good.
    You conjured up some very powerful images in this poem

    October 29, 2010 at 6:11 am

  27. belladonna23

    thought provoking. i loved each and every line of this. i think i understand exactly what you were trying to convey…

    October 29, 2010 at 9:14 am

  28. Bill, Arts– appreciate your thoughts as always.

    October, thanks. i nearly always try to paint a picture with words; glad that’s how it resonated.

    belladonna (beautiful name!)– conveyance is always in the eye of the reader. thanks. 🙂

    peace,
    jsl

    October 29, 2010 at 11:59 am

  29. Pingback: So Many New Poetry Flavors, Come To Try Them All | Promising Poets' Parking Lot

  30. http://jingleyanqiu.wordpress.com/2010/11/03/thursday-poets-rally-week-32-november-4-10/

    how r u?
    Letting you know Poets Rally week 32 is on,
    Drop me your entry if you wish to be part of it.
    Thanks a lot,
    Happy November!
    xxx

    November 4, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    • thanks for thinking of me, Jingle; appreciate it. Probably won’t get anything posted until Monday, so I’ll have to catch your wonderful Rally next time around….

      Hugs,
      JSL

      November 6, 2010 at 7:00 am

  31. beautifully done… I held my breath the 1st time I read it… not realizing that I was… it made it more profound… and claustrophobic… closing in like her jeans.

    November 6, 2010 at 1:57 am

    • Drew, so glad you stopped by & thanks for sharing your feelings on this piece. Feel free to come back again any time. 🙂

      JSL

      November 6, 2010 at 7:02 am

  32. beautiful, touching and well written poem. so many dreams die in the fire of hunger.

    November 7, 2010 at 10:23 am


    • thanks, trisha. your response is nearly as poetic as the piece itself. 🙂

      jsl

      November 8, 2010 at 11:15 am

  33. Joanna, just a lovely and probing account of the moment.

    November 21, 2010 at 4:17 am

    • thanks, shane; nice of you to drop by. always a pleasure.

      cheers,
      jsl

      November 21, 2010 at 1:17 pm

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